Wait a second

Scotty 5 Comments

As I sit in my room further procrastinating my project due tomorrow, I ponder the question every one of us struggles with every day of our lives. Why don’t fat people have to pay more for clothes? This is clearly one of the largest problems our society is facing, and there are a couple ways to solve it:

1) Make normal people’s clothes cheaper. 

2) Make fat people’s clothes more expensive. (I’d vote for this one) 

Let’s dive a little deeper into this dilemma:

Example (Leather Jacket)

  Cows died to make jacket - 1

Now, we all know who this musical mastermind is. One day, J.T. walked into his local Walmart to explore their wonderful selection of leather jackets. He was suprised to find out that leather jackets were now cheaper for normal everyday people like him. He then gladly purchased his new (less expensive) leather jacket. With the extra money, he is able to continue supplying the world with chart-topping hits like “Cry Me A River” and “Sexy Back.” As you can see, he even had enough extra money to hire a new black friend right here from Laughing Near You.

  Cows died to make jacket - 3 1/2

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! This guy got a little too worked up when he found out that his favorite clothes were going to cost him 8 times more than normal due to his increased size. Talk about incentive! If this man ever wants the feel of processed cow skin rubbing against his body again, he’s either got to shell out the money or lose the weight. Unlike J.T., his jacket cost the lives of 2 and a half more cows (the other half is Charlie Weis). Sounds like PETA is going to have a field day with this one.

I’ll get to work on submitting this problem to Congress. With enough luck, and a two-thirds vote, we will have this injustice fixed in no time.

Confusing conversations

Baker 1 Comment

After a fraternity brother learns that his roommate is a crossdresser:

“What’s with the bra, brah?”

Add bonus confusion points if one of their names is Thong.

We are gonna be so rich

Baker 2 Comments

Soooooooo rich

That’s right, that’s the first cent that we’ve made from this website. Damn, at this rate, we’ll break even in… I don’t know 3 years of something, but that’s not important. I’m not that good at math anyway

The point is, thanks to you guys visiting our site, and Google providing us with ads, we’re gonna be rich.

Now to go print this off and have it framed. We can hang it in the living room. My mom is going to be so proud.

Good news Mom, thanks to this site, you won’t have to give me money for food or gas anymore soon. Just kidding. Don’t ever stop that. Seriously, I’m your firstborn.

Black Friend Needed

Motney 7 Comments

Here at Laughing Near You, we are constantly striving to improve on our race relations, and hope to set a model for the rest of the world to follow.

As such, we have created an open application for you to become our personal black bodyguardfriend. Please submit all applications by Next Friday. Anything received by The Friday After Next will not be reviewed.

The best black friend ever. Ever.
God was the best black friend ever. Ever.

1. What is a cracker?

      a. A delicious treat sometimes complimented with ham and/or cheese.

      b. Depends on the context.

      c. Motney

2. Identify this celebrity:
   Puffy turtlenecks are in vogue.

      a. Clay Aiken

      b. Ruben Studdard’s prison bitch.

      c. Motney

3. If the sink in my apartment overflowed while you and I were chillin’ you would ________.

      a. Help me clean up.

      b. Sit there and laugh.

      c. Say, “Clean that shit up. What you looking at me for, bitch?”

4. Spell ’soldier.’

      a. …soldier

      b. No

      c. Soulja

5. Finish this lyric: “Colt 45 and two ___ ___.

      a. I don’t listen to gangster rap

      b. Zig zags

      c. Zig zags

6. Finish this lyric: “The freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they’re perfectly _____.

      a. aligned

      b. …

      c. Fuck you for making me read that shit.

7. How many people can you fit in your shirt?

      a. One

      b. Three

      c. This is a tee, son.

8. Is this the most biased quiz you’ve ever taken?

      a. Not really

      b. Hell yes

      c. This is the only quiz I’ve ever taken.

You’re Finished! Give yourself 0 points for every “a” answer, one point for every “b” answer, and 2 points for every “c” answer.

0-4 You are white.

5-8 Perfect! I will e-mail you to let you know when you can move in.

8-16 Woah there 50 cent! I have a strict no firearms policy. I’m afraid of you…period.

Proverbs that suck

Baker 4 Comments

“If I had a nickel for every time…”

If you had a nickel for everytime something happened, that thing would have to happen 100 times for you to even have $5. Big deal.

Why is this Big Mac on a plate?
After 100 times, you could almost get a #1 at McDonalds.

This saying sucks. I want a saying that is going to make me more money much faster. And you can’t just say, “if I had a quarter for every time…” because proverbs don’t adjust for inflation.

That’s the world I one day wanna live in

Baker No Comments

Well, I never said that I was very timely.

I don't think there were even 47 copies of Smokin' Aces sold

Motney

Motney 5 Comments

The title of my post seems a bit repetitive, but I will not stand for the mispelling/mispronunciation of my name any longer. Mot (like pot with an m) ney (knee). Not Monty. I swear to God if “oh like Motley Crew” seeps from your mouth I will not hesitate to give you the worst indian rug burn of your life. Bitterness aside, I can promise you (our one fan, hi Scotty’s mom) that I will use my class time to brainstorm the best skits possible. My only concern is to keep you loling, rofling, and lshysyp-ing.

Scottsdale and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Scotty 14 Comments

Before I can start sharing funny stuffs with everyone out there, I feel its my duty to all my fans (Hi Mom) to tell a little bit about me. First off, I was born and raised in southeast Minneapolis, where I worked as an apprentice for a blacksmith for the first 7 years of my life. After my 22 hour work days, I was locked up and fed crumbs from the bottom of a bag of Bugles. One night during a harsh blizzard I was able to escape the opression of my master via the underground railroad, which to my dissapointment wasn’t a railroad at all. Througout my travels, I gathered enough money by various means (mostly prostitution) to afford a brand new laptop.  Which brings us to right now, where I am currently using McDonald’s free wi-fi to type this to all my fans (lol Hi Mom).

Well now that I got that out of the way and you all pretty much know exactly who I am, I can get to the important stuff. I will post movies and posts and ideas and stories and maybe pictures. Now back to watching Legally Blonde…

Hey, guess who’s…

Baker No Comments

FIRST!

Or is that only funny in comments?

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