Hello again!

Scotty 3 Comments

Wow. Sorry guys for the long delay between posts! Seems I had a run in with my previous master (http://laughingnearyou.com/?p=5). He read a few of my posts and came looking for me. Apparently this website is WAY more popular than I thought. Anyways…

What’s up with people trying to give Christmas presents at work? I walked in to work yesterday and was asked what I wanted for Christmas by fellow employees. Now this may be seen as a nice gesture on their part. But I look at it as more work for me! Not only do I now have to pretend to care what they want, I have to go down to my local Walmart and buy all of these wonderful gifts (http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=5498431). I liked things much better when it was between just me and Santa.

P.S. Santa - I’m still waiting for my Mary-Kate and Ashley hair straightener!

I’m Going to be so Drunk at my High School Reunion

Motney 9 Comments

Sweet title huh? I’m gonna try something a little different today and just observe my surroundings. I am in my Developmental Psych class and there’s nothing better than being surrounded by sorority girls and listening to their conversations about Congress and preserving the environment. Example:

Sorostitute #1: Hey babe! Guess what! My birthday is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorostitute #2: LOLZZZ! (almost passes out) My grandbig’s twin’s birthday is in 2 days!

#1: O      m         g. That is so weird. It’s like “The X Files.”

First of all, this situation is in no way like ANY episode of The X Files unless one of the sorostitutes started spitting out mass amounts of slime or an alien walked into the class and did…alien stuff. The X Files was an earlier version of the CSI shows. Something crazy happens at the beginning, Detectives follow clues, and then the situation is resolved…kinda. The only difference is that there was not a single drop of semen in The X Files. Except for the little amount in Scully’s snatch graciously placed there by Mulder in between takes. A little too graphic? Maybe, but there’s no doubt in my mind that they banged like the crazy alien chasing freaks they are.

Disengagement Theory: In order to cope with aging, an elderly person should gradually withdraw from society.

Badass. Agreed. This way I don’t have to watch news reports of some 80 year-old running over an entire parade.

OK well I think that’s going to conclude my post for today. The sorostitutes have been silenced and my professor has lost my attention for good.

Acceptable Christmas decorations

Baker 24 Comments

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone (what a redundant phrase), it’s finally acceptable to begin decorating your house in celebration of the birth of our Lord. Because really, what says, “I love you Baby Jesus,” more than Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Simon bears a slight resemblance to Joseph
The three wise men?

Lucky for you, faithful readers, I’ve provided a handy guide to the “dos” and “don’ts” of Christmas decoration. Follow these simple steps, and you’ll be the envy of the neighborhood.

Do:
Use icicle lights. Everyone knows that Jesus spent his days performing miracles at the North Pole (cured North Polio?). While we might not be able to accurately recreate a manger scene in the front yard (camels won’t stay still), we can still do our best to make it look like the weather outside is frightful.
Northerners: Draping lights over icicles is not an acceptable substitute.
Class. E.
Icicle lights: classier than a bow-tie

Don’t:
Be Jewish. Seriously, nobody wants to see blue lights on their annual neighborhood Christmas light tour. It’s a bit of a buzzkill. I need some more eggnog just thinking about it.
Make out of clay?
If you just have to deny the legitimacy of the New Testament (which is WAY less boring than the Old one) just don’t decorate at all. It’s worked for the Muslims and Asians for years. However, this does not give you a free pass to skip out on handing out Halloween candy.

Do:
Use colored lights sparingly. Christmas lights are like a bowl of Lucky Charms. While the colorful marshmallow bits seem attractive (and chewy), the white whole grain pieces tie it all together. Adding some red or green lights to the bushes and trees can be a nice touch. Just don’t overdo it, or you’ll end up with a cavity.
This bowl needs more milk
This analogy was pretty forced, huh?

Don’t:
Get upstaged by the neighbor. This is the most important rule of all. Even if it takes a Clark Griswoldian effort, the look on that schmuck’s face when he sees he’s been outdone AGAIN will make it all worth it. He might have a younger wife, nicer car, and better paying job, but he sure as hell doesn’t have Santa popping out of an inflatable chimney on his front lawn. Advantage: Probably still him, but it’s a little closer.

I wish you all the best of luck in your decorating endeavors. The reader who creates the best snow sculpture of Motney, Scotty, or myself in their yard, will receive a free one-year pass to be our friend (on Facebook). Photographic proof is required for entry.

I’d also like to advise that putting an inflatable snowman on your lawn is not a proper substitute for real decorating. It is being lazy. You may be punished accordingly:

Frosty Gets Whacked from LaughingNearYou on Vimeo.

Proverbs that suck, pt.3

Motney 3 Comments

“A watched pot doesn’t boil.”

Okay so now we’ve moved from proverbs that are completely useless to flat out lies.

When you first hear this proverb you assume you have the ability to control whether a pot boils or not, which would be sweet. Second, this proverb makes the pot sound like a self-conscious bitch.

640-by-480-renewed.JPG

Motney: Come on pot. I dare you to boil.

Pot: Noooo. Don’t look at me!!

Motney: What? Just boil! I’m hungry.

Pot: No. Turn the lights out or something, I look gross.

Motney: OMG! It’s just water and some pasta. You look fine.

Pot: I’m dead serious turn around.

Motney: Holy crap. FINE!

(pot boils)

To conclude my post I will end with some advice. Don’t ever use proverbs. They’re conversation stoppers and sometimes, like in this case, complete lies. They get you nowhere and make you sound like a dumbass.

Motney: Dude, where do you wanna eat?

Scotty: I don’t care as long as it’s not Fat Sandwich.

Motney: Yeah, a watched pot doesn’t boil.

Scotty: …what the fuck is wrong with you?

Motney: Ha! If I had a silver dollar for every time someone said that to me… 

Scotty: …Right…

The Big Fat Ugly

Videos 4 Comments

This is probably not very healthy. I’ll check with the Surgeon General.


Big Fat Ugly Challenge from LaughingNearYou on Vimeo.

Proverbs that suck, pt. 2

Baker 4 Comments

“A stitch in time saves nine.”

Seriously?
Were they even trying when they made this one?
Has anyone even heard this used in context?

In a way, it reminds me of Carlos Mencia. You’re not really sure how or why it exists, but it’s always there, haunting your dreams.

Gilmore Guys

Videos 17 Comments

If you’ve never seen Gilmore Girls, you might not get this. Like, definitely not at all.

Gilmore Guys from LaughingNearYou on Vimeo.

Music is awesome

Videos 3 Comments

We finally got a video camera, so its gametime. Preheat the oven.


The Power of Music from LaughingNearYou on Vimeo.

If they mated:

Baker 3 Comments

I’m just sayin’…


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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Scotty 4 Comments

Seven.

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