The writers’ strike is over!
If you feeling like a pimp, nigga’, go on brush your dog off.
The Evolution of Man (revised)
Before I write this post let me set your minds at ease. Why is the sloth double the size of the human? I tried to make the picture smaller, but when I do it lowers it as well. And when you lower it the limb the sloth is hanging on looks like it belongs to the most evolved human. It looks like his…well just imagine the stick about an eighth of an inch lower. Just concentrate and focus your eyes…almost…there it is! I couldn’t have any sexual refrences in it since it’s going to be featured in schools across America.
I have been using this website for shits and giggles and it’s about time the truth is exposed so that we (current humans) can become aware and not turn into them (future sloths). It’s about time I inform our readers about the real dangers to this wonderful country…and even the world.
It’s obvious that technology is increasing and human intelligence is decreasing. I’m not one to believe conspiracy theories, but I truly believe that robots have been planning to take over our society for a very long time. It’s simple if you think about it. First, they planned to have the humans produce the first machines. Second, they grow in intelligence and power as we unsuspectedly gave them an open door into our lives. Think about it. When you’re at Wal-Mart and you don’t want to wait in a long line to purchase your watermelon, banana, and golden Oreos (I have a strange diet plan, don’t judge) what do you do? You go to the self check out robots. I don’t blame you. They’re fast and reliable. But what you don’t know is that every time you do that you’re giving the robots power and knowledge that they will one day use against you. Last, they choose one important day (probably July 4th) to overthrow the humans and make us their personal slaves. This is scary and also incredibly ironic. They’re just waiting for the day we become so lazy we don’t even try to fight back (hence the sloth).
You might be asking yourself how these robots made humans make them before they even existed. Conspiracy theories don’t need facts and logic to back them up idiot! Duh. Now I urge you to reform, revolt, and revolutionize your actions. Next time you want to check out make sure you wait in the line with the 80 year-old taking 30+ minutes to check the customers out. Throw away your iPods and cell phones. The robots are everywhere. Face the facts. The only people that we should be copying are the Amish. They understand the threat that these demon machines pose and that the only way to defeat them is to ignore them. If everyone follows my lead and ignores the self check out machines (of death) they will be forced to carry out a self shut down (robot suicide). Help me defeat these demons and restore order and incredibly difficult life to this once great nation.
I mean just think about it. Do you want robots performing the jobs that are monotonous and tiresome while we humans just sit back and actually live our lives. If we allow the robots to take over we would actually have time to figure out what’s wrong with the economy and be able to help other people in need. We would have the chance to make life better while the robots work day in and day out. It would…things would…wow. That actually sounds really nice. I can’t believe I was against this about 2 minutes ago. Who wants to be a leader and national icon anyway. Look what happened to John Lennon. He had worldwide fame and caused the President of the United States to pull out of a crooked war. He had girls, and fame, and everyone wanted to be apart of what he stood for and…stuff… Yeah you know what never mind. I decided against all that. Screw the robots. Power to the
My last piece of advice to you is if you are gullible and have trouble defining fantasy and reality don’t watch the movie I, Robot.
The next person to claim that I “humor” them, in some sort of reference to me being funny, gets punched in the heart. “Humor.” as a verb, has nothing to do with comedy.
Laughing Near You, as a site, also has very little to do with comedy right now.
…To which Fiddy Scent replied, “I’m gettin’ that feaux show.”
Well, it’s almost the middle of January, so most of you are probably getting over that killer hangover from New Years. Girls are probably still doing last minute shopping for their friends’ Christmas gifts.
Seriously, either buy a gift before Christmas, or don’t buy it at all. The sole purpose of Christmas is to give and receive gifts. Exchanging gifts after the fact is like giving some meaningless importance to a Tuesday. And I hate Tuesdays.
But the middle of January also brings with it the start of a new semester. A clean slate, a new beginning, an 8:30 class on Tuesday and Thursday (Seriously Tuesday, screw off). Sure, that 2.1 GPA is still “technically” there, but everybody has a disappointing semester or six. This is the semester you show your parents and professors what you’re made of (technically 61.8% water). And the dawn of a new semester also means that girl on the next floor hasn’t turned you down yet this semester.
As an expert on all collegiate matters, I’ve decided to share with you common citizens my secrets to success in and out of the classroom this semester.
Have your suitemate take notes for you
This method has never failed. It’s not your fault that psych class is only offered at 8:30, and if that dork wants to go to class everyday, he should share his notes with you anyway. And don’t even feel bad about it. I bet that loser couldn’t even sink three cups in beer pong.
Meet new people
Don’t be afraid to make friends outside of you own clique. There are tons of interesting people at your school that will help you broaden your horizons, and they may also be great study partners. I’d suggest siting next to that chick in your geology lab who always wears a jean skirt and UGG boots. She looks like she’d be good at examining some porphyritic limestone (if you know what I’m saying…).
Pop your collar
This one really goes without saying.
Get to know your professors
I remember blowing off this advice when I first heard it, but I promise you, this advice is the most valuable I have to offer. By getting to know your professors, you can practically assure yourself the benefit of the doubt on a close grade, gain a more intimate knowledge of the course, and show your teacher what a hard worker you are. Just remember your professors’ likes and dislikes. Professor Reese, for instance, prefers reverse cowgirl, and hates oral. Michelle, the English TA, is a missionary girl. Ladies, Professor White strictly does anal (I’ve heard).
There you have it; these few pieces of advice will make sure you get off on the right foot this semester. Follow this advice and a 4.0 and that 9 in your marketing class will be well within your sights (but dude, she’s really more of a 7).
Every year at this time, awkward situations are heightened to a new level with the traditional “gift exchange.” Whether it’s with colleagues or family friends, gift exchanges can be hard to deal with.
First of all, you have to buy gifts for people you see maybe three times a year. It can be especially difficult at work because you force yourself to know as little as possible about the people you surround yourself with on a daily basis. Even if you like the people you work with, it doesn’t stop you from talking shit about them the second you hear a scandalous rumor.
So I asked myself, “With whom would a gift exchange be most painful?” I came to the obvious answer…God.
Motney: Hey God, looks like I’m your secret Santa. (hands God his gift) Merry Christmas dude.
God: (Opens present) Wow. Socks and a gift card to Barnes and Noble…
Motney: All joking aside, you’re the hardest fucking person to shop for. Ever.
God: Well, it looks like you put A LOT of thought into it…whatever. Here’s your present.
Motney: Oh sweet, it’s huge!
God: That’s what she said.
God: Open it up.
Motney: It’s Jesus…again.
Motney: I don’t know if it’s my place to say this or not, but I’ve been talking to everyone else here and your gift is getting a little redundant…I mean you’ve re-gifted “Jesus” for the past 5 years now and it’s getting a little old.
God: You’ve got some nerve confronting me about this. I kind of gave up my son so that you could sin. You know that thing you do when you’re alone… sinning. Or those thoughts you have about that girl…sinning. Basically you and all of humanity spend half their time sinning and it’s all because I sacrificed my ONLY son for it. Was it worth it? That question haunts my dreams every night! But I don’t wanna bore you with my problems, thanks for the socks and gift card. I’m gonna head over to B & N and get a copy of The DaVinci Codeto burn. I appreciate it, moron…(God exits stage left, with his middle finger pointed at Motney)
*Editor’s Note: It is the most glorious middle finger Motney has ever seen.
Motney: Jesus, that was harsh.
Jesus: Yeah he’s trying real hard to keep it together. Doc told him to lay off the booze, and it’s really starting to get to him.
Motney: Speaking of booze, you wanna spice up this glass of water for me?
Jesus: *sighs* Sure.
Gift exchanges are hard enough without the holiest of entities freaking out about the crappy gift you got him. The real meaning of Chirstmas lies within each and every one of us.
…I have no idea what that means, but it was the cherry on top of my pastor’s sermon tonight. Merry Christmas everyone and have a great New Year(because, knowing us, we probably won’t post until then).