Important Advice for the Spring Semester

1:26 am Baker

Well, it’s almost the middle of January, so most of you are probably getting over that killer hangover from New Years. Girls are probably still doing last minute shopping for their friends’ Christmas gifts.

Seriously, either buy a gift before Christmas, or don’t buy it at all. The sole purpose of Christmas is to give and receive gifts. Exchanging gifts after the fact is like giving some meaningless importance to a Tuesday. And I hate Tuesdays.

But the middle of January also brings with it the start of a new semester. A clean slate, a new beginning, an 8:30 class on Tuesday and Thursday (Seriously Tuesday, screw off). Sure, that 2.1 GPA is still “technically” there, but everybody has a disappointing semester or six. This is the semester you show your parents and professors what you’re made of (technically 61.8% water). And the dawn of a new semester also means that girl on the next floor hasn’t turned you down yet this semester.

As an expert on all collegiate matters, I’ve decided to share with you common citizens my secrets to success in and out of the classroom this semester. 

Have your suitemate take notes for you
This method has never failed. It’s not your fault that psych class is only offered at 8:30, and if that dork wants to go to class everyday, he should share his notes with you anyway. And don’t even feel bad about it. I bet that loser couldn’t even sink three cups in beer pong.

Meet new people
Don’t be afraid to make friends outside of you own clique. There are tons of interesting people at your school that will help you broaden your horizons, and they may also be great study partners. I’d suggest siting next to that chick in your geology lab who always wears a jean skirt and UGG boots. She looks like she’d be good at examining some porphyritic limestone (if you know what I’m saying…).

Pop your collar
This one really goes without saying. 

Get to know your professors
I remember blowing off this advice when I first heard it, but I promise you, this advice is the most valuable I have to offer. By getting to know your professors, you can practically assure yourself the benefit of the doubt on a close grade, gain a more intimate knowledge of the course, and show your teacher what a hard worker you are. Just remember your professors’ likes and dislikes. Professor Reese, for instance, prefers reverse cowgirl, and hates oral. Michelle, the English TA, is a missionary girl. Ladies, Professor White strictly does anal (I’ve heard).

There you have it; these few pieces of advice will make sure you get off on the right foot this semester. Follow this advice and a 4.0 and that 9 in your marketing class will be well within your sights (but dude, she’s really more of a 7).

3 Responses

  1. jessi Says:

    yeah I laughed at the whole getting to know your professors bit. That’s how I managed to pass my classes… minus the sex of course…

  2. jessi Says:

    life is dull…update!

  3. Hillary Rodham Clinton Says:

    im seriously taking this site off my bookmarks and never checking it again if the next time i check theres not at least 1 update…

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