Gift Exchange with GodDecember 25, 2007 10:50 am Motney
Every year at this time, awkward situations are heightened to a new level with the traditional “gift exchange.” Whether it’s with colleagues or family friends, gift exchanges can be hard to deal with.
First of all, you have to buy gifts for people you see maybe three times a year. It can be especially difficult at work because you force yourself to know as little as possible about the people you surround yourself with on a daily basis. Even if you like the people you work with, it doesn’t stop you from talking shit about them the second you hear a scandalous rumor.
So I asked myself, “With whom would a gift exchange be most painful?” I came to the obvious answer…God.
Motney: Hey God, looks like I’m your secret Santa. (hands God his gift) Merry Christmas dude.
God: (Opens present) Wow. Socks and a gift card to Barnes and Noble…
Motney: All joking aside, you’re the hardest fucking person to shop for. Ever.
God: Well, it looks like you put A LOT of thought into it…whatever. Here’s your present.
Motney: Oh sweet, it’s huge!
God: That’s what she said.
God: Open it up.
Motney: It’s Jesus…again.
Motney: I don’t know if it’s my place to say this or not, but I’ve been talking to everyone else here and your gift is getting a little redundant…I mean you’ve re-gifted “Jesus” for the past 5 years now and it’s getting a little old.
God: You’ve got some nerve confronting me about this. I kind of gave up my son so that you could sin. You know that thing you do when you’re alone… sinning. Or those thoughts you have about that girl…sinning. Basically you and all of humanity spend half their time sinning and it’s all because I sacrificed my ONLY son for it. Was it worth it? That question haunts my dreams every night! But I don’t wanna bore you with my problems, thanks for the socks and gift card. I’m gonna head over to B & N and get a copy of The DaVinci Codeto burn. I appreciate it, moron…(God exits stage left, with his middle finger pointed at Motney)
*Editor’s Note: It is the most glorious middle finger Motney has ever seen.
Motney: Jesus, that was harsh.
Jesus: Yeah he’s trying real hard to keep it together. Doc told him to lay off the booze, and it’s really starting to get to him.
Motney: Speaking of booze, you wanna spice up this glass of water for me?
Jesus: *sighs* Sure.
Gift exchanges are hard enough without the holiest of entities freaking out about the crappy gift you got him. The real meaning of Chirstmas lies within each and every one of us.
…I have no idea what that means, but it was the cherry on top of my pastor’s sermon tonight. Merry Christmas everyone and have a great New Year(because, knowing us, we probably won’t post until then).