The Downfall of Society: Proverbs

Motney 6 Comments

History class, throughout the years, has taught me many valuable lessons. First off, past events are recorded by the winners with the Alamo being one of the few exceptions. While I was doing some recreational reading on the Pre-industrial Age it instantly occurred to me how sissy our society has become. Back in the Western time when an argument arose between two scrub-faced cowboys it was settled with a fierce duel. This consisted of two men faced back-to-back, ten paces, and the fastest gun in the West. That’s how debates were settled when men were men and women weren’t allowed to speak yet.

Nowadays, arguments still persist and no conclusions are in sight. I have only one thing to blame for this depreciation of our society; proverbs. When I was growing up the best advice my parents ever gave me was in the form of some stupid saying that sounds good, but provides no real world answers. For example, when someone gets dealt a shitty hand, metaphorically, what is the first saying that comes to mind? When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When I get my girlfriend accidentally pregnant the last thing on my mind is a refreshing drink made from nature’s asshole. If we want our society to stop turning into weak pathetic excuses for the human race we need to amend these proverbs so that some useful advice can be obtained.

When life hands you lemons, you punch life in the f*cking face and bang his girlfriend. Then, if you want, make the god damn lemonade. I don’t care.

This is how you punch life in the face.

It sounds harsh, but wouldn’t you rather receive useful advice instead of some sissy saying? I would.

The Signal

Baker, Motney 5 Comments

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How It’s Made: Sorority Girl

Motney 22 Comments

Conception: The whole process begins at conception. The best way to guarantee a sorority girl product is to combine a current sorority girl and fraternity bro. Combining these two makes for an easy conception stage sans consent, which can seriously hinder the process. The steps in this process are quite simple and, if done correctly, are very effective.

First, the sorority girl (ho) and fraternity guy (bro) attend a party hosted by the bro’s fraternity. Next, the two drink mass amounts of beer and/or liquor. (This step is very important because it eliminates that nasty consent barrier.) Lastly, the bro and ho stumble into a room and proceed to have sloppy intercourse. (This is the shortest step)

Early childhood: The next step in the sorority girl process is, arguably, the most important. The now aging sorority mother will instill all her sorority knowledge into the product and prepare it for any sorority obstacles that may arise. It is important that the product is showered with gifts and lots of attention.

Appropriate Gifts:

Barbie dolls (Not the newer politically correct model. They represent realistic views.)

Make-up (Must be given to product on or before 6th birthday. Practice makes perfect!)

Inappropriate Gifts:

Books

Board games (Exceptions include Girl Talk and Girl Talk: Date Line)

If the appropriate gifts are given and too much attention is administered, the product is on the right path to becoming the snobbiest most spoiled sorority girl!!!

Adolescence: The third step in this long process is very crucial because if the product isn’t injected with enough mainstream propaganda it will turn into a creative free-thinking individual. Yuck! It is also imperative that the product is constantly dressed in the latest trends and viewing MTV for at least 5 hours per day. The product may become interested in reading material at this stage. Possible appropriate reading materials include People, Teen Beat, and Seventeen. (Upper level reading materials include Cosmopolitan and Vanity Fair.) It is at this stage that the sorority mother teaches the product all the secrets to becoming a woman. How to get special treatment because of looks and how to use sex as a weapon are just a few. It is possible that the product may want to make some money in order to pay for make-up and a fake Id.

Appropriate Jobs: Hollister & Abercrombie & Fitch

Inappropriate Jobs: Ones that require actual work

When all these steps are followed the final product is ready to branch out at college. The product is ready to spend hours watching The Hills and gossip constantly about their other sorority sisters. As soon as the product finds a bro to hook up with the magical process starts once again.

Creative People Being Uncreative

Motney 145 Comments

Man that's super

Joe Shuster: Ok get this. There’s this man, but he has supernatural powers. He can leap over buildings and stop bullets with his super chest. He’s also blessed with super powers and comes from a world made of sweet ice crystal things. His strength is not limited and he’ll blend into society by working a regular job, but when duty calls he’s there to save the day! He’s like a man…but more super.

Jerry Siegel: Alright, what’s his name?

Joes Shuster: …super…man

Jerry Siegel: We’ll come back to that. What does he wear as a disguise?

Joe Shuster: …glasses.

Jerry Siegel: Damnit Joe you give me gold and then bomb. Get some more opium. (It’s the 40s)

Not Found

JJ Abrams: Alright I was thinking last night and I came up with a pretty solid idea. Hear me out. There’s this group of people who crash on a mysterious island and as time passes they start to realize that this island is more powerful than they thought. And while these characters are lost, the general audience is going to be completely lost as well. While we slowly develop some sort of a plot we can throw random occurrences and characters into the mix from the past and future. Basically, we have complete free range to write anything because while our characters are on an island of mass potential for anything to go wrong, our viewers will be absolutely lost and tune in every week to see if we finally answer any of the confusing plot twists.

Jeffrey Lieber: That’s fucking brilliant. What are we going to name it?

JJ Abrams: …lost?

Yes, we used this picture before. Get over it.

God: Jesus come here I need you input. (Jesus enters) Alright you know that I’ve been trying to sculpt the human body for awhile now. Remember how I added those long appendages connected to the pelvis so they can walk and take judo classes? Yeah I decided to put similar structures right below the neck so they can eat and

Jesus: What are you calling them?

God: …not legs.

Jesus: No, that’s terrible. You constructed the nervous system yesterday and this is all you can come up with?

God: Don’t JUDGE me!! Oh that’s good. I’ll use that for my commandments.

Jonathan Motney: Dude I think I came up with a pretty solid article idea. So I was thinking about how some of the most creative things have some incredibly uncreative characteristics. I was thinking about writing short dialogues of the creators being at their most creative peak and then immediately being at their most uncreative point in time.

John Baker: I can see that working. What are you going to title it?

Jonathan Motney: …creative people being uncreative.

John Baker: Are you gay?

I, Motney

Motney 10 Comments

The Evolution of Man (revised)

 

The one picture that makes Christians curseThe Motney addition

 Before I write this post let me set your minds at ease. Why is the sloth double the size of the human? I tried to make the picture smaller, but when I do it lowers it as well. And when you lower it the limb the sloth is hanging on looks like it belongs to the most evolved human. It looks like his…well just imagine the stick about an eighth of an inch lower. Just concentrate and focus your eyes…almost…there it is! I couldn’t have any sexual refrences in it since it’s going to be featured in schools across America.

I have been using this website for shits and giggles and it’s about time the truth is exposed so that we (current humans) can become aware and not turn into them (future sloths). It’s about time I inform our readers about the real dangers to this wonderful country…and even the world.

It’s obvious that technology is increasing and human intelligence is decreasing. I’m not one to believe conspiracy theories, but I truly believe that robots have been planning to take over our society for a very long time. It’s simple if you think about it. First, they planned to have the humans produce the first machines. Second, they grow in intelligence and power as we unsuspectedly gave them an open door into our lives. Think about it. When you’re at Wal-Mart and you don’t want to wait in a long line to purchase your watermelon, banana, and golden Oreos (I have a strange diet plan, don’t judge) what do you do? You go to the self check out robots. I don’t blame you. They’re fast and reliable. But what you don’t know is that every time you do that you’re giving the robots power and knowledge that they will one day use against you. Last, they choose one important day (probably July 4th) to overthrow the humans and make us their personal slaves. This is scary and also incredibly ironic. They’re just waiting for the day we become so lazy we don’t even try to fight back (hence the sloth).

You might be asking yourself how these robots made humans make them before they even existed. Conspiracy theories don’t need facts and logic to back them up idiot! Duh. Now I urge you to reform, revolt, and revolutionize your actions. Next time you want to check out make sure you wait in the line with the 80 year-old taking 30+ minutes to check the customers out. Throw away your iPods and cell phones. The robots are everywhere. Face the facts. The only people that we should be copying are the Amish. They understand the threat that these demon machines pose and that the only way to defeat them is to ignore them. If everyone follows my lead and ignores the self check out machines (of death) they will be forced to carry out a self shut down (robot suicide). Help me defeat these demons and restore order and incredibly difficult life to this once great nation.

I mean just think about it. Do you want robots performing the jobs that are monotonous and tiresome while we humans just sit back and actually live our lives. If we allow the robots to take over we would actually have time to figure out what’s wrong with the economy and be able to help other people in need. We would have the chance to make life better while the robots work day in and day out. It would…things would…wow. That actually sounds really nice. I can’t believe I was against this about 2 minutes ago. Who wants to be a leader and national icon anyway. Look what happened to John Lennon. He had worldwide fame and caused the President of the United States to pull out of a crooked war. He had girls, and fame, and everyone wanted to be apart of what he stood for and…stuff… Yeah you know what never mind. I decided against all that. Screw the robots. Power to the people humans.

My last piece of advice to you is if you are gullible and have trouble defining fantasy and reality don’t watch the movie I, Robot.  

Biography of Fiddy Scent

Motney 2 Comments

…To which Fiddy Scent replied, “I’m gettin’ that feaux show.”

Gift Exchange with God

Motney 5 Comments

Every year at this time, awkward situations are heightened to a new level with the traditional “gift exchange.” Whether it’s with colleagues or family friends, gift exchanges can be hard to deal with.

First of all, you have to buy gifts for people you see maybe three times a year. It can be especially difficult at work because you force yourself to know as little as possible about the people you surround yourself with on a daily basis. Even if you like the people you work with, it doesn’t stop you from talking shit about them the second you hear a scandalous rumor.

So I asked myself, “With whom would a gift exchange be most painful?”  I came to the obvious answer…God.

Motney: Hey God, looks like I’m your secret Santa. (hands God his gift) Merry Christmas dude.
God: (Opens present) Wow. Socks and a gift card to Barnes and Noble…
Motney: All joking aside, you’re the hardest fucking person to shop for. Ever.
God: Well, it looks like you put A LOT of thought into it…whatever. Here’s your present.
Motney: Oh sweet, it’s huge!
God: That’s what she said.
Motney: …
God: Open it up.
Motney: It’s Jesus…again.

God: Yeah.

Motney: I don’t know if it’s my place to say this or not, but I’ve been talking to everyone else here and your gift is getting a little redundant…I mean you’ve re-gifted “Jesus” for the past 5 years now and it’s getting a little old.
God: You’ve got some nerve confronting me about this. I kind of gave up my son so that you could sin. You know that thing you do when you’re alone… sinning. Or those thoughts you have about that girl…sinning. Basically you and all of humanity spend half their time sinning and it’s all because I sacrificed my ONLY son for it. Was it worth it? That question haunts my dreams every night! But I don’t wanna bore you with my problems, thanks for the socks and gift card. I’m gonna head over to B & N and get a copy of The DaVinci Codeto burn. I appreciate it, moron…(God exits stage left, with his middle finger pointed at Motney)
*Editor’s Note: It is the most glorious middle finger Motney has ever seen.
Motney: Jesus, that was harsh.
Jesus: Yeah he’s trying real hard to keep it together. Doc told him to lay off the booze, and it’s really starting to get to him.
Motney: Speaking of booze, you wanna spice up this glass of water for me?
Jesus: *sighs* Sure.

Gift exchanges are hard enough without the holiest of entities freaking out about the crappy gift you got him. The real meaning of Chirstmas lies within each and every one of us.

…I have no idea what that means, but it was the cherry on top of my pastor’s sermon tonight. Merry Christmas everyone and have a great New Year(because, knowing us, we probably won’t post until then).

I’m Going to be so Drunk at my High School Reunion

Motney 8 Comments

Sweet title huh? I’m gonna try something a little different today and just observe my surroundings. I am in my Developmental Psych class and there’s nothing better than being surrounded by sorority girls and listening to their conversations about Congress and preserving the environment. Example:

Sorostitute #1: Hey babe! Guess what! My birthday is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorostitute #2: LOLZZZ! (almost passes out) My grandbig’s twin’s birthday is in 2 days!

#1: O      m         g. That is so weird. It’s like “The X Files.”

First of all, this situation is in no way like ANY episode of The X Files unless one of the sorostitutes started spitting out mass amounts of slime or an alien walked into the class and did…alien stuff. The X Files was an earlier version of the CSI shows. Something crazy happens at the beginning, Detectives follow clues, and then the situation is resolved…kinda. The only difference is that there was not a single drop of semen in The X Files. Except for the little amount in Scully’s snatch graciously placed there by Mulder in between takes. A little too graphic? Maybe, but there’s no doubt in my mind that they banged like the crazy alien chasing freaks they are.

Disengagement Theory: In order to cope with aging, an elderly person should gradually withdraw from society.

Badass. Agreed. This way I don’t have to watch news reports of some 80 year-old running over an entire parade.

OK well I think that’s going to conclude my post for today. The sorostitutes have been silenced and my professor has lost my attention for good.

Proverbs that suck, pt.3

Motney 2 Comments

“A watched pot doesn’t boil.”

Okay so now we’ve moved from proverbs that are completely useless to flat out lies.

When you first hear this proverb you assume you have the ability to control whether a pot boils or not, which would be sweet. Second, this proverb makes the pot sound like a self-conscious bitch.

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Motney: Come on pot. I dare you to boil.

Pot: Noooo. Don’t look at me!!

Motney: What? Just boil! I’m hungry.

Pot: No. Turn the lights out or something, I look gross.

Motney: OMG! It’s just water and some pasta. You look fine.

Pot: I’m dead serious turn around.

Motney: Holy crap. FINE!

(pot boils)

To conclude my post I will end with some advice. Don’t ever use proverbs. They’re conversation stoppers and sometimes, like in this case, complete lies. They get you nowhere and make you sound like a dumbass.

Motney: Dude, where do you wanna eat?

Scotty: I don’t care as long as it’s not Fat Sandwich.

Motney: Yeah, a watched pot doesn’t boil.

Scotty: …what the fuck is wrong with you?

Motney: Ha! If I had a silver dollar for every time someone said that to me… 

Scotty: …Right…

Black Friend Needed

Motney 5 Comments

Here at Laughing Near You, we are constantly striving to improve on our race relations, and hope to set a model for the rest of the world to follow.

As such, we have created an open application for you to become our personal black bodyguardfriend. Please submit all applications by Next Friday. Anything received by The Friday After Next will not be reviewed.

The best black friend ever. Ever.
God was the best black friend ever. Ever.

1. What is a cracker?

      a. A delicious treat sometimes complimented with ham and/or cheese.

      b. Depends on the context.

      c. Motney

2. Identify this celebrity:
   Puffy turtlenecks are in vogue.

      a. Clay Aiken

      b. Ruben Studdard’s prison bitch.

      c. Motney

3. If the sink in my apartment overflowed while you and I were chillin’ you would ________.

      a. Help me clean up.

      b. Sit there and laugh.

      c. Say, “Clean that shit up. What you looking at me for, bitch?”

4. Spell ’soldier.’

      a. …soldier

      b. No

      c. Soulja

5. Finish this lyric: “Colt 45 and two ___ ___.

      a. I don’t listen to gangster rap

      b. Zig zags

      c. Zig zags

6. Finish this lyric: “The freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they’re perfectly _____.

      a. aligned

      b. …

      c. Fuck you for making me read that shit.

7. How many people can you fit in your shirt?

      a. One

      b. Three

      c. This is a tee, son.

8. Is this the most biased quiz you’ve ever taken?

      a. Not really

      b. Hell yes

      c. This is the only quiz I’ve ever taken.

You’re Finished! Give yourself 0 points for every “a” answer, one point for every “b” answer, and 2 points for every “c” answer.

0-4 You are white.

5-8 Perfect! I will e-mail you to let you know when you can move in.

8-16 Woah there 50 cent! I have a strict no firearms policy. I’m afraid of you…period.

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