Following the release of a set of controversial photos of Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart partying with college coeds, Laughing Near You assigned a crack team of researchers to uncover more of the signal caller’s off-field exploits. The pictures they’ve uncovered are shocking.
Unnamed sources have reported that Leinart was forced to leave his billy goat outside the stadium.
A representative for the QB claims he was in LA at the time of this photo, but those reports could not be verified.
Matt Leinart doesn’t care about black people.
Hey, at least there wasn’t a beer bong anywhere in sight.
Once again, it’d be cool if you checked this same article out on CollegeHumor and Digg’d it, Liked it, whatever cool stuff you can do to get me recognized.
With more than half the semester already behind us, it’s important to start preparing for exams early. For those of you too lazy to pick up your history book, here’s a guide to some of the trickier terms you might encounter.
If you wanted to be really awesome, you would also check out this very article posted on CollegeHumor and create an account there and click “Like It” at the bottom. Or you could be a dick, whatever.
The next person to claim that I “humor” them, in some sort of reference to me being funny, gets punched in the heart. “Humor.” as a verb, has nothing to do with comedy.
Laughing Near You, as a site, also has very little to do with comedy right now.
Well, it’s almost the middle of January, so most of you are probably getting over that killer hangover from New Years. Girls are probably still doing last minute shopping for their friends’ Christmas gifts.
Seriously, either buy a gift before Christmas, or don’t buy it at all. The sole purpose of Christmas is to give and receive gifts. Exchanging gifts after the fact is like giving some meaningless importance to a Tuesday. And I hate Tuesdays.
But the middle of January also brings with it the start of a new semester. A clean slate, a new beginning, an 8:30 class on Tuesday and Thursday (Seriously Tuesday, screw off). Sure, that 2.1 GPA is still “technically” there, but everybody has a disappointing semester or six. This is the semester you show your parents and professors what you’re made of (technically 61.8% water). And the dawn of a new semester also means that girl on the next floor hasn’t turned you down yet this semester.
As an expert on all collegiate matters, I’ve decided to share with you common citizens my secrets to success in and out of the classroom this semester.
Have your suitemate take notes for you
This method has never failed. It’s not your fault that psych class is only offered at 8:30, and if that dork wants to go to class everyday, he should share his notes with you anyway. And don’t even feel bad about it. I bet that loser couldn’t even sink three cups in beer pong.
Meet new people
Don’t be afraid to make friends outside of you own clique. There are tons of interesting people at your school that will help you broaden your horizons, and they may also be great study partners. I’d suggest siting next to that chick in your geology lab who always wears a jean skirt and UGG boots. She looks like she’d be good at examining some porphyritic limestone (if you know what I’m saying…).
Pop your collar
This one really goes without saying.
Get to know your professors
I remember blowing off this advice when I first heard it, but I promise you, this advice is the most valuable I have to offer. By getting to know your professors, you can practically assure yourself the benefit of the doubt on a close grade, gain a more intimate knowledge of the course, and show your teacher what a hard worker you are. Just remember your professors’ likes and dislikes. Professor Reese, for instance, prefers reverse cowgirl, and hates oral. Michelle, the English TA, is a missionary girl. Ladies, Professor White strictly does anal (I’ve heard).
There you have it; these few pieces of advice will make sure you get off on the right foot this semester. Follow this advice and a 4.0 and that 9 in your marketing class will be well within your sights (but dude, she’s really more of a 7).
Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone (what a redundant phrase), it’s finally acceptable to begin decorating your house in celebration of the birth of our Lord. Because really, what says, “I love you Baby Jesus,” more than Alvin and the Chipmunks?
The three wise men?
Lucky for you, faithful readers, I’ve provided a handy guide to the “dos” and “don’ts” of Christmas decoration. Follow these simple steps, and you’ll be the envy of the neighborhood.
Use icicle lights. Everyone knows that Jesus spent his days performing miracles at the North Pole (cured North Polio?). While we might not be able to accurately recreate a manger scene in the front yard (camels won’t stay still), we can still do our best to make it look like the weather outside is frightful.
Northerners: Draping lights over icicles is not an acceptable substitute.
Icicle lights: classier than a bow-tie
Be Jewish. Seriously, nobody wants to see blue lights on their annual neighborhood Christmas light tour. It’s a bit of a buzzkill. I need some more eggnog just thinking about it.
If you just have to deny the legitimacy of the New Testament (which is WAY less boring than the Old one) just don’t decorate at all. It’s worked for the Muslims and Asians for years. However, this does not give you a free pass to skip out on handing out Halloween candy.
Use colored lights sparingly. Christmas lights are like a bowl of Lucky Charms. While the colorful marshmallow bits seem attractive (and chewy), the white whole grain pieces tie it all together. Adding some red or green lights to the bushes and trees can be a nice touch. Just don’t overdo it, or you’ll end up with a cavity.
This analogy was pretty forced, huh?
Get upstaged by the neighbor. This is the most important rule of all. Even if it takes a Clark Griswoldian effort, the look on that schmuck’s face when he sees he’s been outdone AGAIN will make it all worth it. He might have a younger wife, nicer car, and better paying job, but he sure as hell doesn’t have Santa popping out of an inflatable chimney on his front lawn. Advantage: Probably still him, but it’s a little closer.
I wish you all the best of luck in your decorating endeavors. The reader who creates the best snow sculpture of Motney, Scotty, or myself in their yard, will receive a free one-year pass to be our friend (on Facebook). Photographic proof is required for entry.
I’d also like to advise that putting an inflatable snowman on your lawn is not a proper substitute for real decorating. It is being lazy. You may be punished accordingly:
Frosty Gets Whacked from LaughingNearYou on Vimeo.
“A stitch in time saves nine.”
Were they even trying when they made this one?
Has anyone even heard this used in context?
In a way, it reminds me of Carlos Mencia. You’re not really sure how or why it exists, but it’s always there, haunting your dreams.