History class, throughout the years, has taught me many valuable lessons. First off, past events are recorded by the winners with the Alamo being one of the few exceptions. While I was doing some recreational reading on the Pre-industrial Age it instantly occurred to me how sissy our society has become. Back in the Western time when an argument arose between two scrub-faced cowboys it was settled with a fierce duel. This consisted of two men faced back-to-back, ten paces, and the fastest gun in the West. That’s how debates were settled when men were men and women weren’t allowed to speak yet.
Nowadays, arguments still persist and no conclusions are in sight. I have only one thing to blame for this depreciation of our society; proverbs. When I was growing up the best advice my parents ever gave me was in the form of some stupid saying that sounds good, but provides no real world answers. For example, when someone gets dealt a shitty hand, metaphorically, what is the first saying that comes to mind? When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When I get my girlfriend accidentally pregnant the last thing on my mind is a refreshing drink made from nature’s asshole. If we want our society to stop turning into weak pathetic excuses for the human race we need to amend these proverbs so that some useful advice can be obtained.
When life hands you lemons, you punch life in the f*cking face and bang his girlfriend. Then, if you want, make the god damn lemonade. I don’t care.
It sounds harsh, but wouldn’t you rather receive useful advice instead of some sissy saying? I would.
Conception: The whole process begins at conception. The best way to guarantee a sorority girl product is to combine a current sorority girl and fraternity bro. Combining these two makes for an easy conception stage sans consent, which can seriously hinder the process. The steps in this process are quite simple and, if done correctly, are very effective.
First, the sorority girl (ho) and fraternity guy (bro) attend a party hosted by the bro’s fraternity. Next, the two drink mass amounts of beer and/or liquor. (This step is very important because it eliminates that nasty consent barrier.) Lastly, the bro and ho stumble into a room and proceed to have sloppy intercourse. (This is the shortest step)
Early childhood: The next step in the sorority girl process is, arguably, the most important. The now aging sorority mother will instill all her sorority knowledge into the product and prepare it for any sorority obstacles that may arise. It is important that the product is showered with gifts and lots of attention.
Barbie dolls (Not the newer politically correct model. They represent realistic views.)
Make-up (Must be given to product on or before 6th birthday. Practice makes perfect!)
Board games (Exceptions include Girl Talk and Girl Talk: Date Line)
If the appropriate gifts are given and too much attention is administered, the product is on the right path to becoming the snobbiest most spoiled sorority girl!!!
Adolescence: The third step in this long process is very crucial because if the product isn’t injected with enough mainstream propaganda it will turn into a creative free-thinking individual. Yuck! It is also imperative that the product is constantly dressed in the latest trends and viewing MTV for at least 5 hours per day. The product may become interested in reading material at this stage. Possible appropriate reading materials include People, Teen Beat, and Seventeen. (Upper level reading materials include Cosmopolitan and Vanity Fair.) It is at this stage that the sorority mother teaches the product all the secrets to becoming a woman. How to get special treatment because of looks and how to use sex as a weapon are just a few. It is possible that the product may want to make some money in order to pay for make-up and a fake
Appropriate Jobs: Hollister & Abercrombie & Fitch
Inappropriate Jobs: Ones that require actual work
When all these steps are followed the final product is ready to branch out at college. The product is ready to spend hours watching The Hills and gossip constantly about their other sorority sisters. As soon as the product finds a bro to hook up with the magical process starts once again.
Joe Shuster: Ok get this. There’s this man, but he has supernatural powers. He can leap over buildings and stop bullets with his super chest. He’s also blessed with super powers and comes from a world made of sweet ice crystal things. His strength is not limited and he’ll blend into society by working a regular job, but when duty calls he’s there to save the day! He’s like a man…but more super.
Jerry Siegel: Alright, what’s his name?
Joes Shuster: …super…man
Jerry Siegel: We’ll come back to that. What does he wear as a disguise?
Joe Shuster: …glasses.
Jerry Siegel: Damnit Joe you give me gold and then bomb. Get some more opium. (It’s the 40s)
JJ Abrams: Alright I was thinking last night and I came up with a pretty solid idea. Hear me out. There’s this group of people who crash on a mysterious island and as time passes they start to realize that this island is more powerful than they thought. And while these characters are lost, the general audience is going to be completely lost as well. While we slowly develop some sort of a plot we can throw random occurrences and characters into the mix from the past and future. Basically, we have complete free range to write anything because while our characters are on an island of mass potential for anything to go wrong, our viewers will be absolutely lost and tune in every week to see if we finally answer any of the confusing plot twists.
Jeffrey Lieber: That’s fucking brilliant. What are we going to name it?
JJ Abrams: …lost?
God: Jesus come here I need you input. (Jesus enters) Alright you know that I’ve been trying to sculpt the human body for awhile now. Remember how I added those long appendages connected to the pelvis so they can walk and take judo classes? Yeah I decided to put similar structures right below the neck so they can eat and
Jesus: What are you calling them?
God: …not legs.
Jesus: No, that’s terrible. You constructed the nervous system yesterday and this is all you can come up with?
God: Don’t JUDGE me!! Oh that’s good. I’ll use that for my commandments.
Jonathan Motney: Dude I think I came up with a pretty solid article idea. So I was thinking about how some of the most creative things have some incredibly uncreative characteristics. I was thinking about writing short dialogues of the creators being at their most creative peak and then immediately being at their most uncreative point in time.
John Baker: I can see that working. What are you going to title it?
Jonathan Motney: …creative people being uncreative.
John Baker: Are you gay?
Following the release of a set of controversial photos of Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart partying with college coeds, Laughing Near You assigned a crack team of researchers to uncover more of the signal caller’s off-field exploits. The pictures they’ve uncovered are shocking.
Unnamed sources have reported that Leinart was forced to leave his billy goat outside the stadium.
A representative for the QB claims he was in LA at the time of this photo, but those reports could not be verified.
Matt Leinart doesn’t care about black people.
Hey, at least there wasn’t a beer bong anywhere in sight.
Once again, it’d be cool if you checked this same article out on CollegeHumor and Digg’d it, Liked it, whatever cool stuff you can do to get me recognized.
With more than half the semester already behind us, it’s important to start preparing for exams early. For those of you too lazy to pick up your history book, here’s a guide to some of the trickier terms you might encounter.
If you wanted to be really awesome, you would also check out this very article posted on CollegeHumor and create an account there and click “Like It” at the bottom. Or you could be a dick, whatever.